Monday, March 9, 2015

Deleting the finding closure.

I am finding it hard to believe it will soon be two years since we moved away from family, friends, jobs. It has gone what feels painfully slow, fast.

I think back to my teens when my parents decided to sell the family farm, pack up an entire history of life in the back of a dump truck, buy a small mom and pop fishing resort. They were in their mid 30's with four kids under the age of 16. How did they do that?  They just made a decision to leap.

Pathetic me...I was older at 40, with only two children, husband had found a job with a stable income and my world was falling apart, terrified - and what the hell happened to my sense of adventure and wanderlust? I needed to get off the slow descent into depression and regret - find my way to living fully and with grace and be the wife and mother I should have been during this whole transition. I put on a brave face and got things done. I did what every mother should do, but I was just getting through my days.

It has taken a while, but I've put myself back on the path I was led to. Slowly, I've said goodbye to the things I held on to so tightly Pieces of the garden left behind have been replanted and are starting to peek from beneath the dirt. New furniture has helped me brighten the rooms with the windows I picked out from so many building plans. A new front porch to help me get over missing my old one.

A bigger piece of letting go that took more time was my career. Two weeks ago I made the decision to resign from my much loved job as a graphic designer for a not-for-profit Hospice organization. It broke my heart to leave and I am going through a mourning period. But try as I might, I just couldn't look away from the pull I felt toward being home with my kids without distraction. The worry about getting hours in, shushing my kids and pushing them from my office for video meetings, meeting expectations creatively that after 22 years in my career were starting to be was too much for me.  Maybe not for you, but for me it was a weight that kept loading onto my shoulders - days passed and I kept lifting them high and higher, rising ever closer to my ears. It needed to stop.

It's spring now and I know you can feel it, too.  The air is charged with electricity, energy is being given to all the new growth, new birth and fresh life. Daylight savings time has brought more light to this final transition for me. I am so close. I am finding it. Closure.

"Every ending is a new beginning. Through the grace of God, we can always start again."
                                                 - Marianne Williamson


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